Shanahan Throws the Book at Torres, Banned 25 Games

Written by Frank Castaldi on .

Targeting the head? Check.

Unsuspecting player? Check.

Leaving his feet to deliver the hit? Check.

Injury on the play? Check.

Littered disciplinary history? You betcha, check.

Brendan Shanahan and the Department of Player Safety getting a punishment right during the playoffs? CHECK!

For the first time this postseason, Mr. Shanahan has finally made the right call. The NHL Department of Player Safety announced earlier today that Coyotes' Raffi Torres will serve a 25-game suspension for his hit on Chicago's Marian Hossa.

The vicious hit, which came midway through the first period of Game 3, went un-penalized by both on-ice officials.

Since we like to have a good time here at The Scratches, we decided we would compile a list of day jobs that Mr. Torres can enlist himself in over the next few months to pass the time. Well, to pass the time and help recoup the $21,341 he'll forfeit for each regular season game he misses next year--assuming the Coyotes don't play three-consecutive seven-game playoff series this year.

Take your pick, Raffi:

1) Making sure Scott Hartnell has a case of shampoo and conditioner in his stall at all times.

2) Giving day tours around the Grand Canyon.

3) Windexing the glass surrounding the visiting team's penalty box after all Canuck home games.

4) Making sure there are no duplicate verbs in Doc Emrick's big bowl of words.

5) Assisting the scorekeeper mark the scorecard for the Penguins-Flyers game.

6) Helping local Detroit restaurants prepare fried calamari, because all the unused squid that was surprisingly found at the Joe Louis Arena.

7) Helping Bill Murray and Bugs Bunny mix up Brian Boyle's "Secret Stuff."

8) Assisting doctors on the on-going process of how to cure Brian Burke's bitter-beer face, which has been permanently stuck on his face since the lottery picks were announced.

9) Playing for the New York Islanders. Oh, wait he already was punished.

10) Teacher's Assistant for Matt Cooke in his newly-founded "How to make it in the NHL" summer semester course.

Feel free to add any jobs that you think Raffi would be perfectly fit for in the comments below!


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